What to do when what you're doing is not what you're meant to do

I have struggled with this for a long time-wishing I was doing something other than what I am doing, or have to do, or am afraid to do.  How to get to the place where I choose how to spend my minutes, hours and days without worry for the the payoff or the outcome.  And then I obsess about what I could do, should do, can do, want to do.  Then I worry about which choice I make, is it right, is it sensible, is it the best use of my time?  Before I know it, the day, week, year is gone and I am still spiraling with these thoughts, this decision, that cannot be made with a rational mind.

Perhaps what needs to happen is a release of expectations, and allowance of what will happen. Life cannot be forced to be what it should be, but allowed to happen as it should happen, with a healthy dose of love and creativity.  To acknowledge the bumps as lessons, and enjoy the rest of the roller coaster ride, twists and turns, hills and valleys, with laughter and anticipation.

Goodbye Sweet Friend

I know this blog is really a hit or miss recording of emotions and events, and I use it as such.  Today's post is a tribute to Jewly.  We said "Goodbye" on Friday, 9/19/14.  

Jewly came to us nearly 15 years ago.  She arrived frightened, unsure and wary of this new family. Over time, she came to accept us, but was never a cuddler, kisser or lap dog.  Instead she was a silent witness to our day to day lives, her inclusion was natural and complete, yet she stood off to the sidelines most of the time.  She was not terribly affectionate, yet loved to have her ears, neck and belly rubbed, and was very vocal in her enjoyment.  Jewly appeared confused most of the time, earning her the nickname LSD (Little Stupid Dog), said only with love.  I think she was more cat than dog, 

One of her favorite things to do was chase cats.  I don't know what she would have done had she caught one, but was fun to watch.  She also liked to sit or lay in the driveway and watch the world go by.  And sniff. And sniff. And sniff.  Jewly's nose rivaled any hound around.  It was hard to walk her for all of the sniffing she did.  I'm surprised she had any skin left on it, as we would have to pull her along if she found something she liked.  And she usually did, kitty crunchers are plentiful here.  

When she was younger she could run around the yard, up and down the stairs, and loved to find her way out from under a blanket.  Always leading with her nose.  Peanut butter was her favorite treat, she could smell it from outside.  She was a master at "Begging for Biscuits". 

The past few years were hard on her.  We moved a few times, and Jewly did not like change.  Her shoulders and hips started giving out, and she didn't enjoy her walks, and then her food.  Her beautiful brown eyes got cloudy, and she couldn't hear the refrigerator open. I'm sure you can guess the rest.  

Jewly, I will miss all of this and more.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a better human.  

 

Endings ...and Beginnings

Do you know when to let go?  When it's time to be finished with a project, person or thing?  How do you end the relationship, business, job?
Even when it's obvious that something needs to change, it sometimes (or most times) is hard to pull the plug, cut the cord, close the account.  I think most of us have difficulty with change. The familiar is comforting. We know what's expected and how to do it, as well as the probable outcome.  We might not like the process or the result, but somehow still feel safe.
I think feeling sad about letting go is normal.  We must allow ourselves a little time to grieve over lost potential, because that's really what it's all about.  We fall in love with the potential of a situation.  When things don't go as we had hoped we must admit to ourselves (our biggest critics), that we have somehow failed at the endeavor, even if the ending was our choice.
I struggle with these feelings now, as my art and business are evolving in a different direction.  I feel stuck and uninspired.  I also know that this feeling will pass. I must allow myself to feel it fully, then let it go.
Because I know at the end of the road, another path will appear.  I must be patient with myself, and let things happen as they must.
But, it doesn't make it any easier.

The beauty of the bouquet is not diminished by the different flowers; instead, it is enhanced by the individual beauty of each blossom.

Change is the only thing we can count on

Just when you get comfortable, along comes change, whether or not it was invited.  Even if it's needed, desired, even requested, it's never exactly what is expected or envisioned.  Not quite the right order, but the waitress is gone and there is no sending it back. Once the Universe gets wind of change, it carries it along eagerly and mischievously.

Except that you don't want to play.  We want our old favorite, even if it's unhealthy or dangerous.  Like a grilled cheese sandwich; crispy, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth delicious, never mind the calories or cholesterol. Call the waitress, get rid of that salad!

But, while you wait, why not take a little taste, see what all the fuss is about.  The tomato is sweet, greens are refreshing and the dressing is tangy.  Interesting. Maybe you should do that thing, walk that way, ride that wave.  Maybe the weather is different, but in a not-so-bad kind of way.  The people speak slowly, but their  insight is refreshing.  And the city-well, if you could taste it you might say it was tangy, in an interesting kind of way.  .

Maybe the change means riding the wave, doing that thing, walking that way.  Maybe this was all meant to be part of it

from the very beginning, even if you still want the grilled cheese.