Wednesday, October 5, 2011

When enough is enough

In a few days I will have lived in Phoenix for nine years. Nine years of yearning to be someplace else, to be someone else, to have a different life. Nine years spent wishing and wasting, nine fewer years left in this life cycle. Nine years closer to what? Nine years further away from an idyllic memory which maybe wasn't so idyllic after all. Nine years spent in a fog of desire, fear, sadness with a few cloud breaking moments.
Nine years of learning a new way of living, a new art form, a new landscape, a new climate. Nine years of new friends, new experiences, a new love affair with a new town, a new desire to make a difference in a place with which I share few common interests. Nine years of wishing sand was surf, heat was humidity, summer was shorter and air was cleaner.
Nine years of relentless heat, soul searching, self realization and reality checks. Nine years older, nine years wiser, nine more years of dreams and desires, fulfillment and disappointment. And now, one day closer to life altering choices and decisions. Minutes closer to destiny and design. Deadlines loom, as well as love, life, laughter and hope, always hope.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Looking for Answers

I haven't posted in awhile, life is sometimes like that, don't know what to say and even if I did, not sure if it's worth saying. Starting to feel the summer funk, it broke 100 again today. So I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Then I read my previous entry. What happened that I lost that peacefulness? How did I misplace the feeling between then and now? Where did it go and how can I find it again?

Does my geographical location really make that much of a difference in my psyche? Or is it a convenient excuse to deny responsibility for my own thoughts and moods? If I am able to leave this place, will I be any happier in a different location? Or will this haze envelope me wherever I go? How much of this is self-imposed?

I have a friend who spent a year searching for home, and like Dorothy, found that home was in her own backyard. We carry home with us in our heart, or so the story goes. If this is true, where can I find the key to unlock my home? Why do I have this insatiable urge to keep searching? Why am I so lost?

I think it's time for yoga again, and maybe a trip to Flagstaff. Clear my head and let the answers flow to me through my higher self. Time to let go again.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Happy Ness

I am happy. Did you hear that? I am Happy!!!! This is something which has crept up on me and surprised me. Those of you who know me know that I have not been Happy living here in Arizona. As a matter of fact, its been one long "Poor me" for the past 8 years. I have been kicking and screaming since the day we moved to Phoenix, and rarely have I come up for air. The closest I came to not being unhappy was the summer I spent in Flagstaff. But when I came back to Phoenix that September, I crashed and burned, and was in worse shape than before I left.
I don't really know what happened to me. I just know that I finally feel at peace. Maybe I stopped fighting so hard. Maybe I decided to go with the flow instead of swimming upstream. Maybe I realized that I am in charge of my own destiny, and feeling sorry for myself won't get me anyplace that I want to be. Maybe during this forced healing period more than just my hip is healing. In any event, I won't question it, I won't analyze it, I won't deny it. I will accept it, and all the gifts that come with it.
Along with peace of mind also comes gratitude. Or, maybe it's the other way around. Maybe gratitude precedes peace of mind. Gratitude for the ability to feel happiness. Gratitude for my long-suffering husband who has listened to my constant complaints, and tried his best to help. Gratitude to my children for doing what they could to pull me out of my well of self pity. Gratitude to Jewly the puppy dog for listening to me rant and rave, and still being happy to see me. And gratitude for the ability to recognize that I am no long unhappy.
Maybe happiness is just the right combination of gratitude and peace of mind, with a sprinkle of creativity added for flavor.